Act 1, Scene 2 : Sir Alan Country House, The Shag Pile - follows on from July 2009 Post
....On the advice of "Apprentice" Tristam, Sir Alan has abandoned plans to marry into the Worcestershire gentry or County aristocrats : too poor ! Instead Tristam has proposed the recently-divorced former wife of a Russian oligarch with an "excellent settlement". However, the grounds for Sir Alan's divorce from his present wife, Samantha, have yet to be determined, although he and Tristam are confident that "the Secret Agent" will deliver these.
In the meantime, Sir Ron Fastmoney, an old friend, has paid an unexpected visit to "The Shag Pile".
The relationship between the two men goes back to the 1980s, when Sir Ron was knighted during the boom years of the Thatcher Government for services to property development. Much of Sir Ron's fortune was subsequently wiped out during the crash of the early 1990s, forcing him to flee the country to avoid creditors.
Since then, he has spent much of time "off-shore" - the Caribbean, Dubai, Far East etc - and in the process created a much larger fortune. Sir Ron now spends most of his year on a large ocean-going yacht, entertaining the rich and their hangers-on. However, he is currently "setting up ship" in St Petersburg, having also recently acquired a new Russian wife : "There'll be no New Austerity for me, thank you very much...!!
Sir Ron wants Sir Alan Shag - whom he regards as "a cunning old fox, if rather cash-strapped these days" - to join him in a Russian energy and resources joint venture, which he promises will deliver the kind of returns unimaginable in "a pokey little country like Britain.... Naturally, I sparing no expense in entertaining the Russians....."
To be Continued....
Monday, November 16, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
THE NEW COUNTRY WIFE* - PREVIEW
Act 1, Scene 1 - The Bacchus Bar in Birmingham**
"Lying in the Gutter, and
Spying on the Stars....." ***
* Follows on from "The Right-On Lord Shag of Solihull" (Working Title Only) of 22 July 2008
* * A Real Place *** A recent leader title in the Financial Times NB : Any resemblance of the characters in this drama to a real person is totally co-incidental
Samantha Shag is reading a recent editorial in the FT on the use of private investigators by the British tabloid press to intercept the personal communications of celebrities and politicians. She awaits the arrival of her old friend and onetime associate in the Birmingham's bondage scene, Titania : who now runs a successful lap dancing enterprise of the same name. Samantha wants Titania's advice on husband Sir Alan's machinations to divorce her, including employment of his own personal spy. Titania in turn wants Samantha's help on problems with a New Labour Wag, and former Home Secretary, who objects to the expansion of the lap dancing trade in her West Midlands constituency.
To be continued....
Please see also our other Blog @ http://janetrocco.wordpress.com/
"Lying in the Gutter, and
Spying on the Stars....." ***
* Follows on from "The Right-On Lord Shag of Solihull" (Working Title Only) of 22 July 2008
* * A Real Place *** A recent leader title in the Financial Times NB : Any resemblance of the characters in this drama to a real person is totally co-incidental
Samantha Shag is reading a recent editorial in the FT on the use of private investigators by the British tabloid press to intercept the personal communications of celebrities and politicians. She awaits the arrival of her old friend and onetime associate in the Birmingham's bondage scene, Titania : who now runs a successful lap dancing enterprise of the same name. Samantha wants Titania's advice on husband Sir Alan's machinations to divorce her, including employment of his own personal spy. Titania in turn wants Samantha's help on problems with a New Labour Wag, and former Home Secretary, who objects to the expansion of the lap dancing trade in her West Midlands constituency.
To be continued....
Please see also our other Blog @ http://janetrocco.wordpress.com/
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
DO POLITICIANS MAKE GOOD PETS ?
Janet is always keen to expand her mind and decided to have a look at the Times Educational Supplement yesterday, which carried an article about psychometric testing on the front page and gave the following "taster" :
" Pet topic
A psychometric-style question
The cat is a small carnivorous mammal that is often valued by humans for its companionship. The cat is a skilled predator and is known to hunt over 1,000 species for food. Cats use a variety of vocalisations and body language for communication, such as purring, mewing, hissing and growling. The cat is an intelligent mammal and can be trained to obey simple commands. Typically, a cat will weigh between 2.5kg and 7kg. Cats are extremely sensitive as they have highly advanced hearing, eyesight, touch, and taste receptors. People’s belief that cats are solitary animals is incorrect, as they are actually highly social. This misconception is due to cats not having a social survival strategy (“pack mentality”) like animals such as dogs. This means that they look after their own needs, even when living in a group.
Q: Cats make good companions for humans
A: True
B: False
C: Cannot say
Source: Aptitude Tests Online."
Our answer would, of course, be A : True. However, could this be a trick question, with a politically correct sub-text, intended to weed out humans (and potential teachers) who also "look after their own needs, even when living in groups" notwithstanding that they have a "social survival strategy" as well.
In thus reflecting, Rocco (a cat) finds himself asking : Do politicians make good pets ? : or, more politically correctly, do they make good companions for cats ? Answers, please.
Yes, says Tango, who appeared on BBC1's political "Question Time" recently.
" Pet topic
A psychometric-style question
The cat is a small carnivorous mammal that is often valued by humans for its companionship. The cat is a skilled predator and is known to hunt over 1,000 species for food. Cats use a variety of vocalisations and body language for communication, such as purring, mewing, hissing and growling. The cat is an intelligent mammal and can be trained to obey simple commands. Typically, a cat will weigh between 2.5kg and 7kg. Cats are extremely sensitive as they have highly advanced hearing, eyesight, touch, and taste receptors. People’s belief that cats are solitary animals is incorrect, as they are actually highly social. This misconception is due to cats not having a social survival strategy (“pack mentality”) like animals such as dogs. This means that they look after their own needs, even when living in a group.
Q: Cats make good companions for humans
A: True
B: False
C: Cannot say
Source: Aptitude Tests Online."
Our answer would, of course, be A : True. However, could this be a trick question, with a politically correct sub-text, intended to weed out humans (and potential teachers) who also "look after their own needs, even when living in groups" notwithstanding that they have a "social survival strategy" as well.
In thus reflecting, Rocco (a cat) finds himself asking : Do politicians make good pets ? : or, more politically correctly, do they make good companions for cats ? Answers, please.
Yes, says Tango, who appeared on BBC1's political "Question Time" recently.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
THE RISE AND RISE OF MS PIGGY
In the year 2000, a gentleman friend - and erstwhile Big Shot in the World of Advertising - advised Janet on the return of the fuller figure for women. At the time, she forgot this piece of advice almost immediately, but has since often recollected it.
So it was only the other day, that whilst perusing the political shelves in a local bookshop, she came across two volumes which recalled her former gentleman friend's words. One book, whose name she also forgot immediately, was an extended diatribe by Julie Birchill and someone with a double-barrelled surname (unclear whether male or female).
In this volume, Ms Birchill and her friend hold forth on range of subjects - political with both a large and small "p" - including women of "the fuller figure", of which Ms B is a Big One. She also has a rather shrill voice, which amongst larger ladies also seems to have made a comeback.
As it happens, Janet chanced upon a couple of these Modern Harpies fighting for a car-parking space - one in gold 4x4 Merc and the other in similar Chavrolet* - as she took her bike towards the train station on a very hot day. "How Very Uncool !", she thought.
The other volume was a biography of Boris Johnson, whose title Janet has also forgotten, but which bore a quotation on the front cover from Ken Livingstone : "the scariest book I've read since The Silence of the Lambs". Boris himself incidentally describes the book as "Rubbish...but well-written rubbish !". Lot of "That" about !
However, this book does indeed contain something quite extra-ordinary : photographs of the young Boris which bear more than a passing resemblance to the character of Vicky Pollard in Little Britain !
* Ms Birchill is a defender of "Chav", being Upper Chav herself, and perhaps a Chavrolet driver.
So it was only the other day, that whilst perusing the political shelves in a local bookshop, she came across two volumes which recalled her former gentleman friend's words. One book, whose name she also forgot immediately, was an extended diatribe by Julie Birchill and someone with a double-barrelled surname (unclear whether male or female).
In this volume, Ms Birchill and her friend hold forth on range of subjects - political with both a large and small "p" - including women of "the fuller figure", of which Ms B is a Big One. She also has a rather shrill voice, which amongst larger ladies also seems to have made a comeback.
As it happens, Janet chanced upon a couple of these Modern Harpies fighting for a car-parking space - one in gold 4x4 Merc and the other in similar Chavrolet* - as she took her bike towards the train station on a very hot day. "How Very Uncool !", she thought.
The other volume was a biography of Boris Johnson, whose title Janet has also forgotten, but which bore a quotation on the front cover from Ken Livingstone : "the scariest book I've read since The Silence of the Lambs". Boris himself incidentally describes the book as "Rubbish...but well-written rubbish !". Lot of "That" about !
However, this book does indeed contain something quite extra-ordinary : photographs of the young Boris which bear more than a passing resemblance to the character of Vicky Pollard in Little Britain !
* Ms Birchill is a defender of "Chav", being Upper Chav herself, and perhaps a Chavrolet driver.
Thursday, August 07, 2008
A New Cosmopolitan Agenda...
A recent visit to Cheltenham has prompted us to reflect on the meaning of "cosmopolitan" in contemporary politics and society, and, indeed, for modern English satire, given the association of Georgian England with Rococo Satire, and Cheltenham, in particular, with the lighter (and liter ?) satirical writings of the so-called "Water Poets", who drew their inspiration from those places where people went to "Take the Waters".
Our Mini-Guideto Cheltenham (Obtained from the helpful Tourist Information Office) describes the town as "cosmopolitan", but what does this mean : urbane architecture and planning, handsome gardens, cafe society, famous literary festival, horse-racing ? For us "cosmopolitan" is a state of being, but does Cheltenham possess this, or just its outward accessories as a sort of living manifestation of some, ultimately rather shallow, contemporary "Style" magazine.
In the absence of any real or meaningful definition (or bench-mark, to use the current jargon) for defining "cosmopolitanism", we are, therefore, going to propose a few indicators, as follows :
Our Mini-Guideto Cheltenham (Obtained from the helpful Tourist Information Office) describes the town as "cosmopolitan", but what does this mean : urbane architecture and planning, handsome gardens, cafe society, famous literary festival, horse-racing ? For us "cosmopolitan" is a state of being, but does Cheltenham possess this, or just its outward accessories as a sort of living manifestation of some, ultimately rather shallow, contemporary "Style" magazine.
In the absence of any real or meaningful definition (or bench-mark, to use the current jargon) for defining "cosmopolitanism", we are, therefore, going to propose a few indicators, as follows :
- Serial Re-Marriage and the creation of multiple households are not considered "De Rigeur". A discreet lover or two of the opposite or same sex are quite acceptable, but no more. Too many children are also to be discouraged.
- Naked flesh (bosom, belly, buttock etc) should not be excessively on view in public places, and particularly if not aesthetically well-proportioned. Beer guts may be just about acceptable on middle aged men, but not on young ladies.
- The general populace do not bore their fellow wo/men with accounts of their personal lives in the workplace and public realm, thus disrupting professional and civic discourse, but keep these for private occasions.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
The Right On Lord Shag of Solihull (Working Title Only)
The story so far....
Sir Alan Shag - knighted during the John Major Government, later switching his allegiance to New Labour - is now in his mid 50s, and contemplating a change of Party (back to the Conservatives) and wife (someone more conservative than former doyenne of the Birmingham bondage scene, Samantha Shag). Substantial donations to New Labour have not brought that much-desired peerage (Lord Shag of Solihull), with accompanying ministerial appointment (following in the footsteps of Lord Digby de B'rm), so Sir Alan is now courting "Heir to Blair David" Cameron.
With an early fortune made in carpet manufacturing, Sir Alan transferred his indisputable business cunning to housebuilding and the motor trade in the 1980s, for services to which he was later knighted. However, he has never forgotten his commercial beginnings and his neo-palladian mansion in Warwickshire is fittingly known as "The Shag Pile". It is here that Sir Alan and Samantha Shag now reside with little Harry and Zara; where his wife and children receive riding lessons from former guards officer Captain James Blewitt, and where he employs "Apprentice" Tristram (Oxford graduate and former right-of-centre think tank researcher) for advice on political etiquette.
Hoping that Samantha might be having an affair with James Blewitt - and indeed, positively encouraging this - Sir Alan has engaged the services of a "private eye" and ex-secret service operative Richard "Spook" Dickinson to provide evidence for his much hoped for divorce. Tristam, meanwhile, is researching possible future marriage partners for his employer, paying particular attention to women from old Worcestershire gentry and aristocratic families who might want to develop their country estates for affordable housing, and similarly worthy projects.
However, Samantha (nee Bond, and former Proprietress of The Birmingham - Strictly Adults Only -Bond Age Club) is aware of her husband's plot, and has her own plans. Upon their marriage in the early "Naughties" (as she likes to call the beginnings of the 21st century), Samantha encouraged Sir Alan to invest in some enterprises in the respectable sectors of the sex industry, which, as it happens, are now performing rather better than his housebuilding and motor trade interests. Whilst enjoying the life of a country gentlewoman, Samantha has also tired of Sir Alan's company, and longs to return to "The Business"; not, however, ruling out a future career in politics herself ...with the Lib Dems.
To be continued...
Sir Alan Shag - knighted during the John Major Government, later switching his allegiance to New Labour - is now in his mid 50s, and contemplating a change of Party (back to the Conservatives) and wife (someone more conservative than former doyenne of the Birmingham bondage scene, Samantha Shag). Substantial donations to New Labour have not brought that much-desired peerage (Lord Shag of Solihull), with accompanying ministerial appointment (following in the footsteps of Lord Digby de B'rm), so Sir Alan is now courting "Heir to Blair David" Cameron.
With an early fortune made in carpet manufacturing, Sir Alan transferred his indisputable business cunning to housebuilding and the motor trade in the 1980s, for services to which he was later knighted. However, he has never forgotten his commercial beginnings and his neo-palladian mansion in Warwickshire is fittingly known as "The Shag Pile". It is here that Sir Alan and Samantha Shag now reside with little Harry and Zara; where his wife and children receive riding lessons from former guards officer Captain James Blewitt, and where he employs "Apprentice" Tristram (Oxford graduate and former right-of-centre think tank researcher) for advice on political etiquette.
Hoping that Samantha might be having an affair with James Blewitt - and indeed, positively encouraging this - Sir Alan has engaged the services of a "private eye" and ex-secret service operative Richard "Spook" Dickinson to provide evidence for his much hoped for divorce. Tristam, meanwhile, is researching possible future marriage partners for his employer, paying particular attention to women from old Worcestershire gentry and aristocratic families who might want to develop their country estates for affordable housing, and similarly worthy projects.
However, Samantha (nee Bond, and former Proprietress of The Birmingham - Strictly Adults Only -Bond Age Club) is aware of her husband's plot, and has her own plans. Upon their marriage in the early "Naughties" (as she likes to call the beginnings of the 21st century), Samantha encouraged Sir Alan to invest in some enterprises in the respectable sectors of the sex industry, which, as it happens, are now performing rather better than his housebuilding and motor trade interests. Whilst enjoying the life of a country gentlewoman, Samantha has also tired of Sir Alan's company, and longs to return to "The Business"; not, however, ruling out a future career in politics herself ...with the Lib Dems.
To be continued...
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
The Preposterous Global Mega Projects Company
We have recently been contacted by an enterprise - with offices in Beijing, Dubai, Houston and Moscow - called "The Preposterous Global Mega Projects Company". To quote from their letter :
"Dear Sirs
Invitation to Local Partners with an Interest in the Construction of a Major New Inland Port Facility in Worcester, UK"
Following recent announcements by the UK Government, we understand that tenders will shortly be invited for the construction of the above new major inland port facility in the West Midlands.
The Preposterous Global Mega Projects Company will shortly be hosting a seminar on a river boat in Worcester with a view to engaging local partners in this great enterprise. We would be delighted if you would attend...."
To be frank, this invitation comes at something of a surprise. There was indeed a proposal for a major inland port facility at Worcester...in the mid 1940s.
However, the West Midlands regional planning situation, is - largely as a consequence of central government's repeated interventions - so crazy that anything is possible !
"Dear Sirs
Invitation to Local Partners with an Interest in the Construction of a Major New Inland Port Facility in Worcester, UK"
Following recent announcements by the UK Government, we understand that tenders will shortly be invited for the construction of the above new major inland port facility in the West Midlands.
The Preposterous Global Mega Projects Company will shortly be hosting a seminar on a river boat in Worcester with a view to engaging local partners in this great enterprise. We would be delighted if you would attend...."
To be frank, this invitation comes at something of a surprise. There was indeed a proposal for a major inland port facility at Worcester...in the mid 1940s.
However, the West Midlands regional planning situation, is - largely as a consequence of central government's repeated interventions - so crazy that anything is possible !
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